Principles of Communication

1.Stay On Your Side of the Street


  • You do not have the right or the ability to change another person - even if what you are thinking is “correct”


  • Focus on what you can and should control in your own life, and then take steps toward positive control


  • Avoid “you” statements and predictions - the goal is to hear and be heard - not to blame and "play God"


2. Ask Clarifying Questions


  • Ask questions to gain knowledge and understanding from the other person


  • Avoid assuming you know what the other person is thinking and feeling. The past is not a guarantee of the present or future. Only God knows what people think, feel, and will do.


3. Ask Permission to Share Feelings


  • This is respectful treatment of the other person - it gives them choice, and then when you share, you know they are willing to listen


  • Share feelings (sad, afraid, angry, frustrated, powerless, ashamed, disappointed, discouraged, etc.) - not blame (I feel you are controlling me). It’s even helpful to begin by saying, “I’m not blaming you.”


  • Try this: When you said/did …, I felt…, because I wanted/needed...


  • Ask for validation from them (don’t expect them to agree with you, but to echo how you feel, so you feel heard and understood)

4. Ask For What You Want and Need, and Share Why


  • Figure out what you want or need, and then have the courage to ask for it and tell them why you want or need it because this builds intimacy in the relationship.


  • If you don’t know what you want or need, journal, pray, get alone, and work through your inability with a counselor or coach.


  • If the person doesn’t want to or can’t give you what you want or need, then figure out a way to get your need met another way.


5. Set Boundaries


  • If you are (or the other person is) unable to abide by these principles, then take a break. For example, “I need to take a break from this conversation, so I can process my thoughts and feelings.”


  • If you are feeling responsible for the thoughts and feelings of the other person, then step away for awhile


what someone says, feels or does, is about them - not about you - and -


what you say, feel, or do is about you - not about them (unless an authentic offense like physical or sexual abuse, name calling, adultery, etc. has been committed).


  • Exercise boundaries - not walls, by letting the person know when you are available to talk or see them again. Boundaries are moveable and have time limits. Walls are immovable and are “forever.”